compilation

[fuzzay crisis]

ok i absolutely have to write this right now. i'm breaking down for the first time in a while. i don't show my emotions at all to anyone anymore but i need an outlet very very bad. since i have no band to jam with, i have to write this here. right now i'm shaking and crying. partially from being very very sick and partially from not being able to handle any of the shit life's been throwing at me the past few months. the current situaton that has me over-the-top sick is my "rocky mountain spotted fever" i picked up from a tick a few days ago. my entire leg is paralyzed at the moment. i still feel the pain but i can't move it. and fuck does it hurt. i have a horrible fever and the shakes, a rash all over me, and the bite is enourmous and purple is spidering out from the bite (which has now turned into a black gaping hole). i have to wait until morning to go to the ER and/or doctor because my parents won't take me now. i'm staying awake so that maybe i can make it through the morning. this is not the only illness i'm currently blessed with. over the past week, my kidneys have been out of control. i've stopped drinking beer, soda, and any carbonated beverage completely which seems to be helping a lot though. i can not even describe the amount of pain i'm in right now between my leg and my kidneys. i only pray that the hours pass quickly tonight so i can go see a doctor. the amount of emotional stress that "god" or whatever the fuck has put me on this planet and in my shoes, is tearing me apart. i still have yet to get over bobby's death. i don't talk about it to anyone really, but it is breaking my heart...or at least the wind is blowing away the dusty remains of it. everything has been going downhill since he left us. my large and amazing group of friends, pretty much the only thing keeping me sane, is now doing the complete opposite. everyone's fighting, breaking up, and moving away from here...with the exception of me. and i sit back and watch it happen, because even if i voice my opinion, still, there is abosultely no way i can fix this mess. and it's killing me. to feel so helpless in every aspect of my life. i can't control anything. and up until now i've been able to control my sadness at least...but it seems as if i can't even do that anymore. eventually all of my friends will part and there will be no more parties, no more nights staying up and bullshitting about life and everything and anything. and that time is coming soon. it's horrible. i feel so lost. there's no other way to describe it. i have the shittiest job on earth which is no longer an escape from "reality" but rather just a place i go to earn pocket change. i don't even make enough money to save a dime. i spend it all on gas. my parents are moving very soon, especially now because of the fire, and i'll have nowhere to go. i really really don't know what to do right now. i don't know where to start. shit. i don't even know if i'll be well enough to do anything at all. i've tried to sit down and write my thoughts down in a more poetic sense but even that talent has been completely obliterated from me. my mind is so jumbled that i can't even put my feelings down in an organized matter. my boyfriend has been with me through all of this, and i really do consider him my best friend. but he hasn't experienced any of this before, and i know seeing all of this shit go on is affecting him and not just me. he is sweet and kind and caring. i just fear that all of this, the sickness and despair, will wind up either breaking not only my heart but his, or even possibly push him away. there are also trivial things that still bother me that we have talked about which pop into my head from time to time. i try to tell myself that nothing is happening but my head just won't listen. i don't know how to get over it. and still, i just wish it would leave my mind because i love him so much, and regardless of what happens/if anything happened, i need him more than anything right now. he is my world and the air i breathe. i can't really describe it any better than that. he makes me laugh, and not much does anymore. i really need him in my life. and so i sit here. i wish things, everything that's going on, would get better. for once. but wishing so far has gotten me nowhere except farther down into this hole. why do bad things happen to good people? or am i a bad person? if so, i don't understand what i did to deserve any of this. i just wish i had the answers to all of the "why's" that are floating around in my head. even if the world ended for me tomorrow, at least i'd have closure as to why life has to be this way. i've spent my whole life searching for the truth in life itself and i've found nothing. is nothing in acutally the answer to all of my questions? only time will tell i suppose. so this concludes my ramble of heartbreak and the goings on in the life and mind of fuzz. i just hope, not wish but hope, that i make it through tonight.

[Schatzi]

Oh my god girl that's terrible. I'm sure you can make it through the night you are a very strong person. I'm so sorry you are going through what you are going through. If you need to talk to ANYONE pm me and i will give you my number! For crying out loud!

[Mark Carras]

I got my cell with me 24/7 Give me a call if you can't get a hold of Pring. (360)789-0703

Ok, just finished reading your post. I can't believe your parents are not banging down your door and insisting you go to the emergency room immediately! I am shocked that one of your friends or your boyfriend at least do not drag you kicking and screaming to the E.R. That whole "spidering up your leg" thing really has me worried and you need to get to the hospital as soon as possible.

Still call if you need, but please I beg you to get to the hospital immediately by any means necessary.

[Mythos Inibri]

I'd probably call an ambulance if I were you.
Those other things will work out in time.

[Fleshripper]

Damn Fuzz this message bothers me way too much. I hope you get the care you need If you still lived with me I'd be driving you to the hospital asap. You have my cell phone number I hope you try to call me let me know how things are going fuck it I'm calling you since my signal sucks downstairs. I just lost a good friend I had for 15 years now this please stay strong I don't think myself could handle any more bad news. Just because bad things happen to you don't mean your a bad person the world is just a fucked up place if you find and surround yourself with good people that's half the battle of enjoying life. Saying that I hope we see each other again I see in your aim away message your at the hospital this comforts me a bit but I'm still gonna try to call you fuzz I hope I get a hold of you.

[fuzzay crisis]

well, it's 10am now. i made it through the night. my father is on his way home to take me to the doctor. i'll let you know how this pans out.

[Vish]

jeez. i dont really know what to say. i think it has already been said. i hope you get better.

[fuzzay crisis]

i just got back from the doctor. i most deffinitly have lyme's disease or the spotted rocky mountain fever. she gave me antibiotics which should help with both the infection and my kidneys. if it doesn't clear up by friday, i have to go to the hospital. she also told me to not take antibiotics for a year after i'm done taking this medicine because i take so many that it no longer works on my body. i may have to have surgery soon so it's best that i stop so when the time comes i can take them again and hopefully they'll work. she also gave me a perscription for anti-anxiety pills. she said they may not work on me but to try them anyway. she also told me next time i pee blood to go get a urine test but not right now. as well as she gave me the number to a few places i can go for counceling. so that's about it as far as health goes. but i called my friend when i got home and apparently my group of friends is splitting up way sooner than i thought. they're all moving out of the house, leaving all of us with nowhere to go pretty much. john's moving down to maryland, mike's moving back home, as is allie. not a few months from now, but today. they'll all be gone by the end of this week. it's so shitty. i can't even describe how fucked up i feel. i'm very sick, i'm upset, and all summer i'm going to be alone. my boyfriend is also going to pittsburgh for 3 months so he won't even be around. i still can't believe that any of this is happening. i really don't want to be alone right now but i have no choice.

[Mark Carras]

Glad to hear you didn't do any permanent damage by waiting for the hospital visit. Being alone sucks, so keep my number handy if you need to talk. If you want to save yourself the phone bill, you can send an email to that number @vtext.com and it will give me a text message. It only sends the first 160 charecters, so keep that in mind. Put the number you want me to call first just in case. :cool

[Vish]

i just got back from the doctor. i most deffinitly have lyme's disease or the spotted rocky mountain fever. she gave me antibiotics which should help with both the infection and my kidneys. if it doesn't clear up by friday, i have to go to the hospital. she also told me to not take antibiotics for a year after i'm done taking this medicine because i take so many that it no longer works on my body. i may have to have surgery soon so it's best that i stop so when the time comes i can take them again and hopefully they'll work. she also gave me a perscription for anti-anxiety pills. she said they may not work on me but to try them anyway. she also told me next time i pee blood to go get a urine test but not right now. as well as she gave me the number to a few places i can go for counceling. so that's about it as far as health goes. but i called my friend when i got home and apparently my group of friends is splitting up way sooner than i thought. they're all moving out of the house, leaving all of us with nowhere to go pretty much. john's moving down to maryland, mike's moving back home, as is allie. not a few months from now, but today. they'll all be gone by the end of this week. it's so shitty. i can't even describe how fucked up i feel. i'm very sick, i'm upset, and all summer i'm going to be alone. my boyfriend is also going to pittsburgh for 3 months so he won't even be around. i still can't believe that any of this is happening. i really don't want to be alone right now but i have no choice.

hey, fuzzay, you might want to look into getting some grapefruit seed extract. its a natural antibiotic that doesnt wreck your body like prescription antibiotics... just a thought. i run a health based business (juice bar/raw food service) and i have learned a LOT about health and how to keep healthy and how to heal. if you have any questions, you can pm me here or add my myspace to your list and talk through there. i am more than happy divulge any information to help you... dont be shy ;)

[fuzzay crisis]

thanks guys. i'm not really much of a phone person but i do have AIM. my screen name is lakeb0d0m247 if anyone cares to chat. i'll be home the next couple days because i can't go to work for a little bit.

i wish some of us lived closer so we could go out and have a brew, or a coffee, or whatever catches your fancy.

[Schatzi]

glad you made it to the docotor. you will be okay. I'm sorry your friends are leaving though that sucks. i know how lonely lonely can be!

[Vish]

i'm not really much of a phone person

i hear that. i hate the phone.

like i said, if you have any questions feel free to contact me through here or myspace.

[Mythos Inibri]

glad you made it through that missy:)

Fucking ticks:pist

[Fleshripper]

I'm happy your doing alright fuzz my Grandfather had lime disease for a while and and low iron in his blood he got over the lime disease it just took time. We shall hang out soon my birthday is coming up the 3rd of july and I'm sure we will have a blast I will message you on your myspace soon.;)

[fuzzay crisis]

oh yea, john, my buddy is moving to maryland next week, right next to upper marlboro. please make him feel welcome. :)