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Want to join a fast growing club? One whose members commiserate with each other over the insurmountable obstacles placed in their way? Do you enjoy feeling how high your blood pressure can rise in the span of a five minute phone call? Then buy a Dell, and by all means, contact their Customer Service and/or Technical Support. Believe me, when you buy a Dell, that will be inevitable.

Join us on the journey to find the cure for The Laptop That Would Not Power Up. It begins on an innocuous Sunday evening. Without a care in the world, Lappy (as the unfortunate Inspiron 5160 is known in our household) is playing the weekly T.W.I.T. Podcast for Mark. It is on battery power, which begins to run a little low. With still thirty minutes of battery life to spare, Mark powers Lappy down, and switches to A/C power. He then attempts to start it again. Lappy does not respond. Lappy has never been unresponsive before, so this is not a good sign.

As this is late in the evening, attempts to bring Lappy out of his coma have to wait until the following Monday evening. Like the trusting soul I am, I check out Dell’s website, certain I can find some assistance. This is where it gets really fun. We narrow it down, through Dell’s Troubleshooting Guide (I should have known better, but I was desperate), that it is a ‘reed switch failure.’ What the hell is a reed switch, you ask? No one seems to know exactly how it relates to a laptop. Check out the Wikipedia link, and be just as lost as I am.

Still, I honestly think Dell is there to help me, since I am a customer, and they may want my repeat business at some point. I am pleased to see I can chat live with Technical Support. I am not so pleased when, after several minutes of waiting, I am informed that our warranty is expired, and the session is immediately terminated. I am fully aware our warranty is expired, but I really expected at least a chance to ask, ‘what are my options, where the hell is the reed switch, can I buy just the part that is broken, how is the weather in New Delhi?’, or anything. It’s just like being hung up on, but without the dial tone. Please follow the link for the full (albeit abrupt and uninformative) transcript. It’s a quick read, unlike this rant. (Click here for the Doc version & click here for a jpg of a screen shot.)

Since the little chat refers me to call Technical Support, I figure they must be referring me there to TALK to someone who can help me. Did I mention what a trusting soul I am? I call the number. I follow the menu prompts to get where I need to go. I turn the poor Lappy upside down so I can enter numbers from the Express Service Tag. Wow, that must mean I will be serviced quickly. (Refer to George Carlin’s definition of ‘customer service’, and you will know where this is going.) The phone system tells me to make sure I still have this Express Service Tag handy, as well as my credit card. My credit card, huh? I didn’t dial a 900 number, so this does not bode well. After another short wait, I am informed that each phone call is going to cost me a standard fee (they do not tell you how much that will be), in addition to any charges for new equipment and installation. I hang up, and vow not to be so optimistic in the future.

What follows are attempts to glean information from other wayward Dell owners. I feel embraced by the camaraderie of so many other pissed off Dell users. I am not alone! Unfortunately, everyone else seems to be in the same boat-no idea how to fix a ‘reed switch failure’, or even an inkling of what the real problem is. Some people have let Dell replace their motherboards, for a price, only to still not have their laptops power up. Others have lucked out, and their laptop miraculously started working again. Most were still stuck with a broken laptop, and a lot less faith in good things happening to good people.

Tuesday evening I am at it again, searching Google links, and reading so many other rants from aggravated Dell owners that it’s become more of a train wreck than an actual quest for knowledge. Did you know that the average call placed to Technical Support or Customer Service takes four hours, after which you are lucky if your system has not been wiped clean by the helpful India resident (who has never owned a computer) reading from their script? I also learned that the majority of the hapless callers were told to replace their motherboard, after which, their problems were still not solved. That’s of course after they shelled out another $300 to $500 dollars for the part. But I digress.

Wednesday, we are still stuck. Rock My Monkey staff member Amon comes over, and…wait for it…Lappy comes back to life with just the briefest touch of his magical fingers. What great and amazing thing did he do? What’s his secret? He hit the same power button that we did, only without the little protective strip over it. I tried the exact same thing, but that was on Monday. Apparently you can’t do it on a Monday.

So, good thing is Lappy is alive again. Bad thing is that the USB ports no longer recognize any devices when they are plugged in. The USB ports still show as working through all the Troubleshooting Guides on the computer itself. However, if you go back to the Dell Forum and start searching for USB problems, you will get even more entertaining reading. And you will also hear how most are told Dell’s standard solution: replace the motherboard. If the device is recognized by the motherboard, it is not a motherboard problem, but possibly a software problem. Right? Or does that just make too much sense, and not get Michael Dell another $300 to $500 to line his pockets?

So what’s the point of all this? Well, first, I like to share. I’m just a sharing kind of person, especially when it comes to crappy customer service. I for one will never, and let me emphasize NEVER, buy another Dell product. EVER. And I mean not even if I am on fire, and someone will give me a bucket of water if I agree to even consider buying another Dell product. Not that I’m bitter....

So, since there is so much community spirit to be had here, I call for a boycott of Dell, Dell products, Dell logos, unmodified pictures of Michael Dell, or any goodwill of any sort towards the company until they stop outsourcing and start taking care of their customers for a change! Please feel free to click here to show your support, speak your voice on this boycott, or on any problems that you have, or will have (trust me, you will), with Dell, or for that matter, any other technical issue.

Click here and "digg" the story to help spread the word!

PS-In honor of my wife doing the rant this week, let's only vote for bands with hot chicks in them! Click here because underdogs RULE!